A Personal Story, Some Insight, and Advice That Will Diffuse the Conflict So You Can Focus on Having Fun
By Riley Rath
I've mentioned it before, but I'll say it again:
I WAS ONCE A TERRIBLE PLAYER.
And not terrible like repeating, "wait, what is a spell save DC again?" 20 sessions in...
No, I was much more irritating and problematic: I was selfish.
And I have a story that perfectly captures exactly what I mean, as well as insight on how to deal with that...
(If you don't care about the story, click here to jump to the solution)
When I was an early player, I made the biggest mistake a new player could ever make...
I played a RANGER.
Green Forest Dice Set
(Side note: what the hell is a "ranger" anyways? I know we all think of the Dunedain rangers, but couldn't they just as easily be Texas Rangers? Like... what IS a ranger? But I digress...)
But it gets even more basic bro than that:
- My character was a BEAST MASTER ranger...
- Who was an orphan
- With a pet owl bear
- Whose favored enemy was dragons...
- Because a dragon killed his whole family as they traveled in a caravan...
My idea was that most of the fighting would be the owl bear, but over time the kid would grow to use a lance and shield.
Would that work RAW? Absolutely not. But I had no idea even HOW to homebrew at the time, so I just presented my hopes and dreams to my DM and hoped he would be as stoked as I was.
Now, while my DM praised my creativity, at the time he knew that allowing my character to have a fully grown freakin' owl bear as a pet was a BAD and OP idea.
So I was allow to play the wacky character, but the owl bear became an owl bear pup with brown bear stats.
However, what he should have done is just made my character a barbarian with slight homebrew, because I quickly realized an uncomfortable truth:
It had gone from overpowered to underpowered:
- Because of how I designed the character, I was constantly in the thick of combat
- But the owl bear had pretty bad AC, and the orphan had TERRIBLE AC.
- Neither had tons of HP or any resistances
- And rather than getting extra attacks, I instead had to use bonus actions to direct the owl bear.
Long story short: I was painfully aware that my character needed MASSIVE upgrades.
So I formulated a plan, and it was badass: we would hunt a dragon, I would carve and rip its scales from its carcass, take it to an armorer in the city, and have them craft me the coolest, most literal scale mail you can imagine!
© Wizards of the Coast
Did I know any of the crafting or scavenging rules? Nope.
Did I know how much it would cost to make the armor? Nope.
Did I know any of the encumbrance rules for getting the scales back to town? Nope (I STILL don't...).
So because ignorance is bliss, I thought this was a marvelous plan!
But there was one problem I became increasingly aware of: DnD plots can move sloooooooooooooooooooooooooooooowly.
We first had to rid a mansion of a shadow, root out a cult from a town, and help a rightful orc chief retake the head of a tribe from a pretender.
But FINALLY... months later... our party was tasked with slaying a dragon. And because we were such spiffy, super-duper heroes, we did :)
However, notice how I said "WE did"... because that is true... WE ALL HELPED slay the dragon.
And yet... because I had been looking forward to it for so long... and because I was so underpowered and really needed a boost...
I felt 100% entitled to ALL of the dragon's scales.
© TARGETE for DEAD DRAW
- I was making demands of the other players...
- I was guilting some of them into letting me have it...
- And yet, I was also demanding my share of the dragon's horde (no sense in having all those scales if you can't pay someone to transform them!).
In summary: I was being a selfish dnd player... a grade-A a$$hole... making the game a lot less fun when I was present.
It wasn't until the Dungeon Master pulled me aside a couple session later to "set me straight" that I realized how selfish I was being.
Now, maybe that story reminds you of a player at one of your tables. Or maybe you resonate with that story yourself. Or maybe you are terrified of conflict and will offer a literal arm and a leg to NEVERRRR have such a conversation with someone at your table.
But regardless of the specifics, I think I have some helpful insight into this particular brand of bad DnD 5e player...
On how to deal with a selfish dnd player.
Keep in mind... I am limiting myself to SELFISH players. Arrogant, or belittling, or ruthless, or insecure, or puritanical, or aggressive players?
All those might also be selfish, but I'm not talking about individuals with such complex psychological and relational issues.
(And, of course, we are not talking about greedy, selfish dice goblins... I mean, we're a dnd dice site for crying out loud! And you can expand your horde here!)
I am strictly speaking about the player you THOUGHT would be good... but is playing and acting really selfishly.
And here is my primary insight:
Selfish dnd players know not what they do.
There is a good chance they do not know the type of game they are playing:
- They don't know that there are no "winners or losers"...
- They don't know how to set goals for their character...
- They don't understand how it's both a game and a story...
- They don't know what options are available to them...
- They don't know what they are allowed to talk to their DM about...
- They don't know that failure can be as fun as success...
- They don't know what version of DnD 5e they prefer
I would go on and on, but case and point: I didn't even HEAR the words "cooperative storytelling" until after I had been playing for 3 years!!!
Looking back, I am not sure how that is even possible, but apparently it was!
Because in my case, once I realized those things, I stopped being a selfish dnd player and started becoming a good team-player.
So that said... what do you do?
Obviously, the best solutions are preventative in nature. So for starters...
TEACH THEM THE GAME RIGHT AWAY (I wrote a whooooole blog post on it... you can read it right here).
TTRPGs are such different games. It is more important that people understand the SPIRIT of the game before they understand the RULES of the game.
And even if people know how to play... DO NOT SKIP SESSION ZERO.
It is super-duper-alley-ooper important to set expectations, get everyone on the same page, and have something to look back on if things go socially sideways.
But there is a high probability that if you are reading this blog post, it is because you have discovered a selfish Dnd player in your midst and are looking for the most non-confrontational way to remedy the situation.
And my suggestion is to do this:
1) Ask them to join the session at least 30 minutes ahead of time.
2) Sit down and ask them questions about how they understand and perceive the game.
3) When they provide enlightening answers, say: "Yeah, that makes sense. I noticed that when you..." and provide specific examples of how their in-game decisions reflect those beliefs of theirs.
4) Tell them that you have some suggestions that you think will help them enjoy their character and the game a lot more, and ask if they would like to hear them.
5) If they would, gently redirect their behavior while identifying their good intentions.
6) End your corrections by reaffirming that you want them at the table, and provide a specific example of something they did in a session that you loved.
7) Finally, ask if they have any questions for you. Let them have the last word.
If there is some time left over, feel free to ask them about their hopes for their character or their character's backstory. Or just change the subject to something light so that they don't overthink the convo and get in their own head.
Then give them SEVERAL sessions to correct themselves. And if nothing gets better, then you can have a more direct conversation about whether this is the right group for them.
And if that's the case, you didn't "fail" as a DM: not every table is for everyone, and that is ok :)
There is Nothing Conflicting About Our Anubis Dnd Dice, Finally Back in Stock After Over a Year!
Pre-Order Now
Riley Rath
Riley is a freelance copywriter, content writer, and marketer based out of Spokane, WA. He is thankful to have the opportunity to combine his passion for imaginative role-playing to help FLGS, tabletop, board game, and D&D related businesses communicate their distinct value to players everywhere. When not playing or writing about board games or DnD, he is busy hiking, cooking, and gardening... very hobbit-like for a 6'4" dude.
Follow the link to learn more about this DnD 5e Blog Content Writer
